May 18, 2009 9:39 pm US/Mountain
Marriage Doesn't Have To Suffer With The Recession
Good Question: How can you recession-proof your marriage?
Written by Alan Gionet
DENVER (CBS4) ―
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Paul and Kate van Susante are trying to buy a home. They're motivated to that goal together and that helps them be more willing to make sacrifices.
CBS
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Good Question, a regular part of CBS4 News at 10 p.m., is an opportunity for Alan Gionet to drill past the basic facts of a story and give it some depth & perspective. See more Good Question reports.
Paul and Kate van Susante are in it together, that's never been a question. What they, like a lot of couples are going through, are the problems brought on by money.
"When it gets bad we yell the rafters down and then we figure out a better way of doing it," Kate said. "It relieves the stress even though it doesn't solve the problem per se."
What they're trying to figure out is how to go after their dream of owning a home.
It's no surprise that money causes marital rifts, says Denver Community Credit Union financial education specialist Helen Gibson.
"Oh it's no wonder at all. When you have that much emotional relationship with money plus you were probably both raised very differently with money," Gibson said.
For that reason, the way to deal with it is likely to be different. Gibson says there are spenders and there are savers. A spender might say, "Like why don't you trust me with how I'm spending my money, or you might feel like you need the control that comes into that." And then there are people who "equate how you spend money with how much you love that person." That's likely to lead to trouble.
Divorce mediator Natalie Nelson says, "A lot of times the houses are upside down that they've been mortgaged to the hilt and they've taken out line of credit. We have an unbelievably high amount of unsecured consumer debt."
The numbers show little change in the divorce rate, which has generally remained steady over the years. But Nelson says she's seeing more of it now, saying ending marriage may be one thing people think they can take control over while they lose control of their money. She says people may be thinking, "I might not be able to keep my job, or keep my house or pay off these credit cards, the one thing I can do is change spouses, get rid of the spouse." And things aren't ending nicely says Nelson. "I think they're getting nastier. It's really much more extreme. I think there's a lot of fear out there."
So keeping marriages together starts by deciding one thing. Kate and Paul are in it together. They've organized their bills into a bill container that shows what part of the month the money is due. And they talk.
"She's more of a music background, I'm more of an engineer, so we have a different way of approaching a problem," Paul said.
Gibson suggests getting out to talk money to say a park or dinner. It means there's no territory, like in someone's home office.
"Also you're giving yourself almost a treat. And you're also giving yourself a pretty concrete amount of time. Whereas if you're at home you could talk about it all night long," Gibson said.
It's when things go on and on that you make each other miserable. Being out in public, you may behave yourself better.
"If you're in a coffee shop, you're going to have other people around so you're probably going to stay more composed," Gibson said.
She taught a free class recently at the credit union to couples wondering how to get through the rough spots. She says there are spenders and there are savers. Once the two are identified, you can solve problems by agreeing on common goals.
"For example you both like travel," Gibson said. "You want to plan a vacation. That value is going to motivate everything you do."
Paul and Kate are trying to buy a home. They're motivated to that goal together and that helps them be more willing to make sacrifices. And there's consideration.
"You don't want to bring up something that happened two months ago into an argument and then use that as ammunition to continue an earlier argument."
Recognize that it gets you nowhere. When you talk and figure out goals, Gibson suggests putting it down in writing.
Paul and Kate have agreed to make some communication improvements.
"He's trying to be a little bit more of what's going on so I'm in the know with where he's at with his Ph.D," Kate said. "And I'm trying to go with the flow more."
Seems to be doing some good. They've got their bills organized and while getting the financing for the house they have their eye on is a challenge, they're hoping to have a shot at it this year.
(© MMIX CBS Television Stations, Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)
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